Clusterfuck

Lately, this is what I have been feeling like:

I realized that solitude does not exist for us as long as someone we love, even though they be somewhere else well beyond our reach, is feeling alone at the same time.
- Walter Benjamin, "Moscow Diary"

I usually look at this quotation as something lovely and wistfully optimistic. Except... at the moment, I feel as if everyone I love is feeling as distant and emotionally sapped as I am. Sucker-punched. Winded.

My apologies in advance for whining (and if you don't want to hear me whine, please skip this): this was my first bad day in Paris. That said, I guess the fact that my first bad day showed up after 10 weeks of being abroad is pretty lucky, no? And, perhaps, I really shouldn't label today a "bad" day - I am just feeling completely overwhelmed by the culmination and congregation of a dozen little things. I'm feeling better now than I was earlier today... I'm just completely emotionally drained.

I think today started out on the wrong foot and everything just snowballed - I woke up to a kind of depressing email from my adviser, which basically said that the work I've done for my BA so far is less than stellar and that I really need to focus (I was expecting this email. I know that what I wrote up was pretty terrible and, quite frankly, am ashamed that I am responsible for such poor prose). I have 7 pages at the moment, but given his comments and my future edits, I think I will be down to 5 by the end of tonight. By Friday, I need to have 18 pages. Do-able, yes, but I'll need to scale back on sleep. I'm probably going to churn out a REAL outline tonight - complete with cited passages and all that - so that when I skip my screening/class tomorrow, I can actually come up with some GOOD stuff.

Then I found out, for real, that I can't stay in my dorm past the 24th. Since my flight leaves the 26th, I panicked. Rather, I got really really really annoyed and sad - two weeks ago, I talked to my residence hall receptionists about staying until the 26th, and they were totally fine with it. U of C, however, wasn't, and decided to email us today about the last day we're allowed in housing. Given that I hadn't budgeted for a few nights in a hostel (the Center said that 20-40 euro a night is cheap. I don't have an extra 20-40 euro to blow on a hostel for two nights), hadn't FOUND a hostel (Paris hostels can be really hard to book), couldn't figure out what to do with my 90 pounds of luggage (and then some), and couldn't figure out how to get to CDG airport from most of the affordable hostels in Paris (if I can't take the RER, a taxi to CDG will cost another 50 euro), I was feeling pretty miserable about life. The feeling of a well-made plan (and one made well in advance, at that) unraveling is one of the worst feelings in the world. In the end, I guess I stressed all day over nothing, because U of C decided that it was actually ok for me to stay until the 26th... but, by God, I spent all of my class time fruitlessly searching for answers to my panicked questions.

Mentally vacant, I popped over to French... and hardly understood a word of what was going on today. What a confidence boost.

Aside from academics, I spent a large chunk of today replying to lots and lots of little messages and emails. And slowly ordering my life for next quarter (unsuccessful). I still haven't caught up with everything/everyone; I am running behind on life. There were a few other bumps, hitches, and glitches littered throughout the day. I don't really want to go into them; they just made me wonder how I get myself into certain situations in the first place.

I've been slowly working away since returning from class. Although I finished my second paper, it's not that good and it took far too long for me to finish. Completing my French homework and studying for tomorrow's quiz also took up way too much time. And now I'm feeling like a literary retard - once upon a time, writing was easy and words flowed thick and sweet like honey. My writing style has suffered immensely over the course of the past few months, and I am appalled by my inability to properly express myself.

I guess I just need some reassurance. Maybe some real conversation. Maybe this is a sign that I am ready to go home.

xoxo,
D