18 pages later...

...and my BA is still pure crap.

I am writing about stasis, paralysis, memory, blood-shadows splattered thick and heavy on the wall.

I am just frustrated because I know that the bulk of what I have written up will not be used. Hours and words waiting to be laid to waste. For the past week, I have been holed up in my room, writing the most poorly-worded sonofabitch ever. EVER.

My current BA rage is indicative of a few things.

First, that I need to start writing/finding my voice again. It's been a while.

Second, that I'm starting to get antsy and existential. I find myself questioning the legitimacy of the work I do, of my major, of my life goals (or lack thereof). Yes, I am interested in how memory works, how we reconfigure events and structure narrative, how trauma plays into memory and undoes the very fabric of our existence. But what is the point of this inquiry? What is the point of saddling yourself with unbearable pain that is not even yours, hell, that is not even real? There's more to this (like the really depressing views I've been hearing all quarter about the job market in the realm of humanities/social sciences-oriented academia), but... well, I guess during moments like these, all I can do is think about "The Giver" and praise the life and importance of the empath. Something to that effect, anyway.

Third, that I am getting very, very sad about people leaving. About the fact that, after tomorrow, I will be the last one (if not the last) in my program hanging around the dorm. Really, I think that is the crux of my current emotional blah-ness (note to self: stop blogging early in the morning after a couple of beers) - I feel like everything and everyone I know is pressed up against the exit doors of my life. I'm having a Holden Caulfield moment (and you know I'm homesick when I start feeling "Catcher in the Rye." I bloody hated the book).

Things really aren't that bad - not in the slightest! There is still so much Paris to see (and I'll be updating my "Things to Do in Paris" page in a bit) and eat! I think that what I am feeling now is anxiety over re-entering real life, of making the most of my leave of absence and making sure that I don't graduate *completely* destitute... Maybe it would be best for me to make a "spring thing" to do list in the near future. Like the end of the night.

Possibly back-populated recaps of the last few days of Paris are forthcoming.

xoxo,
D